It is my first Christmas in Canada. It is my first christmas away from my family. Right now my whole extended family is gathered at my uncles house, eating, drinking, exchanging gifts, and being completely rediculous. I am sitting at my computer wishing I was with them.
For as long as I can remember, growing up I was usually more excited for Christmas eve than I was for Christmas day. Every christmas eve was spent with my extended family, and every year it was the same, and always different. We'd always gather around for a big delicious dinner. We'd always exchange gifts. We would always kill ourselves laughing over the hilarity of whatever game my Aunt came up with for us to play. One year it was wheel of fortune, and she even made a miniture wheel for us to spin. Another year it was the price is right. We all had big yellow name tags and clapped and cheered when we were called to 'come on down!'.
Last years theme was a 50's sockhop. We ended the night my dancing to some quality 50's music. This years theme is a country hoedown, and I am so sad to be missing it. Apparently there will be square dancing. I can see all of my uncles, and male cousins rolling their eyes now. I can see my cousin Jeanie laughing her head off making sure that everybody participates in the rediculousness.
Christmas just doesn't feel like Christmas in Canada.
So for now I'm going to watch A Christmas Story and think about christmas in Indiana, and how my dad always laughs his head off when we watch it each christmas eve.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
happy moments
Since all of my posts have been on the depressing pessimistic side of things, I thought it would be good to write down a couple happy moments that I have had in the past week...
*Being a proud wife watching my husband get employee of the year award for his work
*Watching How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days with Mark; it was his idea to watch it too. And as cheesy as this is...the moment in the movie where they are at his parents house in the bathroom, and that fabulous song Home comes on. Made me feel all warm and fuzzy hearing that song with Mark by my side because deep down as much as I dislike Canada I know that when I am with him, I am home.
*Holding my 3 week old nephew. Those lil guys always bring a smile to my face.
*I've realized in the past week how enjoyable it is to celebrate in someone else's accomplishments, and to genuinely be so hugely proud of someone that you love. Today I was happy and proud that Mark's hard work was acknowledged, he got a raise at work.
*A simple trip to costco with my sister-in-law
*As little of a thing this may be, Mark made me very happy tonight by letting me know how amazing he thought the dinner I made was.
So those are my happy moments for the week. They aren't spectacular, but they all did truly make me happy.
Now I am going to get off of the computer and read a book that is wider than my hand because it is historically fascinating, and I am a history nerd.
*Being a proud wife watching my husband get employee of the year award for his work
*Watching How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days with Mark; it was his idea to watch it too. And as cheesy as this is...the moment in the movie where they are at his parents house in the bathroom, and that fabulous song Home comes on. Made me feel all warm and fuzzy hearing that song with Mark by my side because deep down as much as I dislike Canada I know that when I am with him, I am home.
*Holding my 3 week old nephew. Those lil guys always bring a smile to my face.
*I've realized in the past week how enjoyable it is to celebrate in someone else's accomplishments, and to genuinely be so hugely proud of someone that you love. Today I was happy and proud that Mark's hard work was acknowledged, he got a raise at work.
*A simple trip to costco with my sister-in-law
*As little of a thing this may be, Mark made me very happy tonight by letting me know how amazing he thought the dinner I made was.
So those are my happy moments for the week. They aren't spectacular, but they all did truly make me happy.
Now I am going to get off of the computer and read a book that is wider than my hand because it is historically fascinating, and I am a history nerd.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Dear heart and her dear sweet heart
When my sister Sarah went off to college several years ago now, my mom made it her mission to send her care packages every now and then. Those care packages would usually contain a letter of some sort in which my mom would sign off by saying that Sarah had a 'dear heart, love mom.' Sarah and her then boyfriend, now husband, thought that was hilariously cheezy.
It was because of those letters that my sisters and I started secretly calling mom dear heart.
If you knew my mom, you would understand that it is a pretty funny nickname for her because it is incredibly true to her personality. She is a quiet person, hates most social situations, yet has an incredibly big heart. She takes things personally including things that she shouldn't. She emotional. She has a good sense of corny 60's humor. She likes to snoop on her children, and often (humorously) makes them snoop on each other then report back to her. As anti social as she is, she is incredibly loyal to the people in her life, and takes their hardships as her own. She is the type of person who if you were her house guest she would spend the entire previous day cleaning in preparation for your arrival. She would make sure you know where to find a clean towel laid out for you in the bathroom. She would fix you breakfast in the morning, make sure you were entertained throughout the day and plan an elaborate dinner for you at night. Those are some of the reasons why dear heart is dear heart.
Dear heart, to fit even truer to her name worked most of her life in the childrens department at the local library. She was in charge of story time for the little kids and is affectionately known throughout our small little town as Miss Mary the library lady. Miss Mary recently quit her libary job. She is now living a life of early retirement. This had been a year in the making at least, she kept putting it off because she was terrified of moving out of her routine of the past 30 years and into nothingness. She is the type of person that likes to be busy, that likes to have a purpose for each day. Retirement=boredom for her.
I tell her it will take some time adjusting, but that she will get used to it. I can't help but feel that we are in similar places right now because we are both not working and not excited by that fact. However, she has adjusted to that fact of her life easier than I have. She does call me a lot more now (almost everyday) but when she does call she seems to have found something to do in each of her days. Me on the other hand tends to stay in my pajamas watching tv until 2 or 3. Then I shower and get dinner ready. She was so afraid of her retirement but I feel like she has adjusted fine.
...just another lesson I can take from dear sweet dear heart. Life if a choice. My choices up to this point have been bad. So I have decided that I am going to give myself till December 31 to continue in my wallowing. But starting Jan. 1 I need to get over myself, accept life in Canada, and get the heck out of bed already.
My mom does drive me crazy, and we have had plenty of fights even just this year. But in the end, she is still and will always be dear heart.
It was because of those letters that my sisters and I started secretly calling mom dear heart.
If you knew my mom, you would understand that it is a pretty funny nickname for her because it is incredibly true to her personality. She is a quiet person, hates most social situations, yet has an incredibly big heart. She takes things personally including things that she shouldn't. She emotional. She has a good sense of corny 60's humor. She likes to snoop on her children, and often (humorously) makes them snoop on each other then report back to her. As anti social as she is, she is incredibly loyal to the people in her life, and takes their hardships as her own. She is the type of person who if you were her house guest she would spend the entire previous day cleaning in preparation for your arrival. She would make sure you know where to find a clean towel laid out for you in the bathroom. She would fix you breakfast in the morning, make sure you were entertained throughout the day and plan an elaborate dinner for you at night. Those are some of the reasons why dear heart is dear heart.
Dear heart, to fit even truer to her name worked most of her life in the childrens department at the local library. She was in charge of story time for the little kids and is affectionately known throughout our small little town as Miss Mary the library lady. Miss Mary recently quit her libary job. She is now living a life of early retirement. This had been a year in the making at least, she kept putting it off because she was terrified of moving out of her routine of the past 30 years and into nothingness. She is the type of person that likes to be busy, that likes to have a purpose for each day. Retirement=boredom for her.
I tell her it will take some time adjusting, but that she will get used to it. I can't help but feel that we are in similar places right now because we are both not working and not excited by that fact. However, she has adjusted to that fact of her life easier than I have. She does call me a lot more now (almost everyday) but when she does call she seems to have found something to do in each of her days. Me on the other hand tends to stay in my pajamas watching tv until 2 or 3. Then I shower and get dinner ready. She was so afraid of her retirement but I feel like she has adjusted fine.
...just another lesson I can take from dear sweet dear heart. Life if a choice. My choices up to this point have been bad. So I have decided that I am going to give myself till December 31 to continue in my wallowing. But starting Jan. 1 I need to get over myself, accept life in Canada, and get the heck out of bed already.
My mom does drive me crazy, and we have had plenty of fights even just this year. But in the end, she is still and will always be dear heart.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
im not gonna lie
so im not gonna lie. today is one of those days where i just dont't really care about anything....
it is on the days where i really don't care about anything that I try to reach out to my friends the most.
But seeing as most of my friednds live in california, i call them while they are all at work and I know that. odd.
The honest to God truth of the matter is that I am not doing well adjusting to living in Canada. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and all that he does for me. But life in a different country is not what I want. I refuse to accept it.
I refuse to make this my home. I refuse to do anything productive with my days. All I am doing at the moment is waiting until spring. Spring is when I can start applying for teaching jobs in the states.spring is when I will feel a glimmer of hope. Spring is when my pessimism will get the better of me and I will realize that I am not good enough to get a teaching job in Indiana. Spring is when I will really fall apart, and be forced to reckon with living in Canada for the rest of my life.
Until then I am just biding my time. Getting (hopefully) this feeling out of my system so that when spring does come I won't feel soo blindsided.
Until then I am sure that I will continue in my self destructive patterns. I don't know what else to do. I don't know how else to cope. I think about my mom sometimes in moments like these. She moved across the country for her husband, and she resented him for it. I wonder if I will be the same way. I know I don't want to. But it is so hard. I know that this is literally our only option, while my parents had other options.
If I can't get a job in the states, I will resent not my husband, but myself. I don't quite know how I can live with that for the rest of my life.
It doesn't matter. nothing matters. im so frustrated.
it is on the days where i really don't care about anything that I try to reach out to my friends the most.
But seeing as most of my friednds live in california, i call them while they are all at work and I know that. odd.
The honest to God truth of the matter is that I am not doing well adjusting to living in Canada. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and all that he does for me. But life in a different country is not what I want. I refuse to accept it.
I refuse to make this my home. I refuse to do anything productive with my days. All I am doing at the moment is waiting until spring. Spring is when I can start applying for teaching jobs in the states.spring is when I will feel a glimmer of hope. Spring is when my pessimism will get the better of me and I will realize that I am not good enough to get a teaching job in Indiana. Spring is when I will really fall apart, and be forced to reckon with living in Canada for the rest of my life.
Until then I am just biding my time. Getting (hopefully) this feeling out of my system so that when spring does come I won't feel soo blindsided.
Until then I am sure that I will continue in my self destructive patterns. I don't know what else to do. I don't know how else to cope. I think about my mom sometimes in moments like these. She moved across the country for her husband, and she resented him for it. I wonder if I will be the same way. I know I don't want to. But it is so hard. I know that this is literally our only option, while my parents had other options.
If I can't get a job in the states, I will resent not my husband, but myself. I don't quite know how I can live with that for the rest of my life.
It doesn't matter. nothing matters. im so frustrated.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
canadian rant
Let's just say that I am a little irritated, and tired.
Next week is my husband Marks work holiday party. So obviously I needed to go shopping to get a new dress. So first stop was the mall nearest to our house. -Nothing.
The department stores up here suck! So while shopping I was faced with 2 problems. 1: the store would have dresses I liked but they wouldn't have my size. Problem 2: The store would have a ton of dresses...but they would be 200 bucks. Call me cheap if you must, but I don't plan on spending 200$ on a stupid dress. I put that in the category of not worth 200 dollars.
That was the problem throughout 3 different malls!!!! SOOOOOOO frustrating. And definately depressing.
Shopping trips like this only give me with one result...self loathing. Nothing makes me feel worse than trying on clothes and none of them fitting.
Another lesson I came out with is that canadian malls suck. -the end, im so frustrated.
Next week is my husband Marks work holiday party. So obviously I needed to go shopping to get a new dress. So first stop was the mall nearest to our house. -Nothing.
The department stores up here suck! So while shopping I was faced with 2 problems. 1: the store would have dresses I liked but they wouldn't have my size. Problem 2: The store would have a ton of dresses...but they would be 200 bucks. Call me cheap if you must, but I don't plan on spending 200$ on a stupid dress. I put that in the category of not worth 200 dollars.
That was the problem throughout 3 different malls!!!! SOOOOOOO frustrating. And definately depressing.
Shopping trips like this only give me with one result...self loathing. Nothing makes me feel worse than trying on clothes and none of them fitting.
Another lesson I came out with is that canadian malls suck. -the end, im so frustrated.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Motivation
Here's the question: What motivates you?
On the days when you don't want to get out of bed, what gets you up? What does that little voice in the back of your head say to get you going on whatever your goal is?
Lately the little voice in my head is saying all bad things. For example, "you don't need to get out of bed till at least 2pm." "Go ahead and eat that chocolate, it will be soo good." "Why workout when you are so cozy here in bed?"
I think I would feel happier if I had a good workout everyday, and didn't eat so much crap.
I can't work until my immigration comes through, so why can't I do SOMETHING productive for myself each day. I have no excuse not to work out!!! Sooo many people I know are working or going to school full time and still have time to work out. Maybe they just want it more than me? Or they are more motivated than me..........
Sometimes a good song, or music video will get me going. One of my favorites (don't judge) is Invisible by Ashlee Simpson. So what you will about Ashlee Simpson, but that is one good song that never fails to put a little fighting spirit in me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GYpkwrLzDvo
It's noon and I'm still in my pajamas.
Soooooo what will the outcome be? Will this incredibly insignificant post make me accountable?
Couldn't tell ya at this point, the voice in my head is still debating.
On the days when you don't want to get out of bed, what gets you up? What does that little voice in the back of your head say to get you going on whatever your goal is?
Lately the little voice in my head is saying all bad things. For example, "you don't need to get out of bed till at least 2pm." "Go ahead and eat that chocolate, it will be soo good." "Why workout when you are so cozy here in bed?"
I think I would feel happier if I had a good workout everyday, and didn't eat so much crap.
I can't work until my immigration comes through, so why can't I do SOMETHING productive for myself each day. I have no excuse not to work out!!! Sooo many people I know are working or going to school full time and still have time to work out. Maybe they just want it more than me? Or they are more motivated than me..........
Sometimes a good song, or music video will get me going. One of my favorites (don't judge) is Invisible by Ashlee Simpson. So what you will about Ashlee Simpson, but that is one good song that never fails to put a little fighting spirit in me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GYpkwrLzDvo
It's noon and I'm still in my pajamas.
Soooooo what will the outcome be? Will this incredibly insignificant post make me accountable?
Couldn't tell ya at this point, the voice in my head is still debating.
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