Missing

I'm in one of those moods that has got me feeling reflective, sad, frustrated, and missing my friends.

Did you know that living in California ruined me for winter?  I miss wearing flip flops in January.  I hate wearing boots.  I hate that the bottoms of my pants are always wet from snow whenever I go out.  I hate the shivering.  When I was little I loved the snow.  I thought it was beautiful.  I always thought that there was a magical sound in the air when I stood outside while snow was falling.  I hate snow now.

I miss feeling good about myself.  From the moment I quit my job in LA I have felt like a failure.  I hate feeling like a failure.  Went from a real job to a pathetic job, to no job.  Why doesn't anybody want to hire me?  I put in 2 incredibly difficult years teaching, where is the pay off??  Where is my patience?  Why is it so hard to trust that God knows what he is doing in my life?  Where is my faith??  I know that I expect a lot out of myself...and when it doesn't work out I am a wreck.  I hate failing more than anything, and I spent a lot of time in therapy trying to deal with that.  But it is still an issue that I can't seem to shake.  Two and a half years of feeling like a failure because I don't have a job is taking a serious toll on me.  I feel like I am trying to move, but I am just stuck.

I miss feeling good about my body.  I've gained a lot of weight.  That motivation thing has disappeared from my life.  Probably because I feel like such a failure in other aspects of my life it is translating to this as well.  Mark is his typical sweet self and tells me I am beautiful and how he loves me...But my clothes don't fit.  I am actually dreading our vacation next month because I will have to wear a swimsuit.  You know those silly music videos I used to make?  I started to make one this year, but then deleted it because I decided I looked far to fat.  There was a lot of jiggling in it, and it wasn't just from my boobs.  Because I don't have a job or any serious reason to get out of bed in the morning, I typically end up just wearing sweat pants everyday.

I miss my confidence.  I miss my happy.  These are all issues I have struggled with before.  I keep trying to look into my past and remember how I dealt with these things way back when.  I can't remember what I did, or what changed. 
I don't know what else to say.  Maybe my problems don't really seem like actual problems to other people, and maybe I am just complaining too much and just need to get over myself.  But in reality, these are the things that are debilitating me.  It's just the same thing day in and day out.  Somewhere along the way I lost my happy and I don't know how to get it back.  And if I am being brutally honest, as much as I want the happy back, I'm not motivated enough to do something about it.  So in the end it all comes down to the fact that I am just letting this depression overtake me.  I'm not doing anything about it because, well, it just seems like too much work at this point.

-And yes, I realize that most of you will want to slap me after that last statement...but guess what?  I really don't care.  You are all in California anyway, so what does it matter?  Right now California feels like it is across the world.  I am pretty sure that I won't get out there again until Kathy's wedding in 2013, so that is probably adding to the distance I feel from it, and all of you.

I need to stop this post now and lose myself in a book about Harry Truman.  Reading helps make me tired before bed.  Then I will wake up tomorrow wearing my sweatpants, and do exactly the same thing I did the day before, and the day before that, and the day before that.....