im not gonna lie

so im not gonna lie. today is one of those days where i just dont't really care about anything....
it is on the days where i really don't care about anything that I try to reach out to my friends the most.
But seeing as most of my friednds live in california, i call them while they are all at work and I know that. odd.
The honest to God truth of the matter is that I am not doing well adjusting to living in Canada. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and all that he does for me. But life in a different country is not what I want. I refuse to accept it.
I refuse to make this my home. I refuse to do anything productive with my days. All I am doing at the moment is waiting until spring. Spring is when I can start applying for teaching jobs in the states.spring is when I will feel a glimmer of hope. Spring is when my pessimism will get the better of me and I will realize that I am  not good enough to get a teaching job in Indiana. Spring is when I will really fall apart, and be forced to reckon with living in Canada for the rest of my life.

Until then I am just biding my time. Getting (hopefully) this feeling out of my system so that when spring does come I won't feel soo blindsided.
Until then I am sure that I will continue in my self destructive patterns. I don't know what else to do. I don't know how else to cope.  I think about my mom sometimes in moments like these. She moved across the country for her husband, and she resented him for it. I wonder if I will be the same way. I know I don't want to. But it is so hard. I know that this is literally our only option, while my parents had other options.
If I can't get a job in the states, I will resent not my husband, but myself.  I don't quite know how I can live with that for the rest of my life.

It doesn't matter. nothing matters. im so frustrated.