Valpo

While attending the grand opening of the Central Park Amphitheatre in downtown Valparaiso Indiana, I was sent into high school flashbacks.  I ran into the lady that I used to take clarinet lessons from.  My old band director was conducting an orchestra concert in the park  tonight.

While enjoying the concert with dear heart and hundreds of other valpo residents I saw a girl I went to high school with.  Kara Ponscek.  I was never friends with her in school as she was one of the popular girls...but seeing her tonight gave me to desire to look her up on facebook when I got home.  She ended up married, teaching at the biggest elementary school in town.

Her facebook info page said, "I am in my 4th year of teaching". 

I know this is gonna get redundant, and I expect you guys are tired of hearing me complain, agonize, and be a general pessimist when talking about my own teaching career.  When I saw that on her FB it made me think...I should have four years of teaching under my belt as well.  I don't know how to convey how much this bothers me.  It isn't about just having a job, or making money to contribute to mine and Mark's lives.
It is about facing the fact that I may not ever again get to do what I love.  Sure if I don't teach again, I will still get a job at something, I won't sit on my butt just because I can't do what I want.  But it is hard to face.  4 years of college...wasted. 2 years in LA...wasted.  15,000 dollars of students loans to pay...for nothing.

I know I am being stupid.  I know I have a great life and a great husband who will always take care of me.  In 2014 my teaching licence will expire.  If I don't have a job by then, I am not going to renew it(renewing it requires starting work towards my masters degree). 

I feel like a kid not having a real job.  It is frustrating to know that there is one thing I am good at doing and that I can't do it.  I don't know how to let it go.  I don't know how to move on.  I don't know how to not be jealous when I read some girls facebook that says she has been teaching for 4 years.